A side note to yesterday's post...

If you are going through a season in life or even a moment that is, in fact, heart breaking and soul aching, PLEASE do not interpret my most recent post to have said that our heartache here in this world is insignificant or self-absorbed. I actually believe quite the opposite. It DOES matter, because we matter. OUR story matters. And God says it right here in Psalm 56:8 - "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?” Not one tear dissapates without being recorded by our loving Father. Whoa. That's honestly an overwhelming visual to me. I mean that's gotta be a REALLY big bottle.

He would not have said that if He meant for us to be these mechanical-robot-Christians, that never felt (or acknowledged) pain and lived in a perfect world. This world is broken, we are broken. Our hearts, yep, broken. And our mender-of-broken-hearts-God, asks us to lay our brokenness at His feet to be redeemed. Which He does. Time. After. Time.

Pain is real. Acting like it doesn't exist does not make our righteousness scale tip to the right or more Christ-like. It makes us fake. My intent in yesterday's post was simply to record the feeling evoked from Ms Gibb's words. And for whatever reason it struck me. It pricked my heart because I am often times WAY too concerned about my well being and comfort in my middle-class world (as if being a Christian entitles me to a comfortable life), than I am about things like serving others who need to be loved.

And that's all I have to say about that (I didn't say it would be a short side note).

Ready or Not....

"We must move away from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts to praying about the things that are breaking God's heart."

--Margaret Gibb

Words. They are so powerful. I felt like someone sucker punched me right in the gut while reading these ever-so-eloquent, yet piercing words. This Maragret Gibb character has some nerve, doesn't she? I mean, I wasn't even looking, and most certainly wasn't ready for her one, two combo! I'd like to meet her some day and give her a piece of my mind. For now, a simple note on my blog will have to do.

Dear Ms Margaret Gibb,

Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for your heart. I look forward to the day, that those words, and that prayer are the sentiment of my heart. And until that moment, I'll just keep reminding myself that this world does not revolve around me and praying for a new renewed heart and mind.

Love, KT

The Smallest Decisions...

Most of you know that I sleep VERY well. I normally don't like to brag, but I am really REALLY good at it. I mean, yes, I sleep with ear plugs because I like complete silence when I drift off into my peaceful dreamworld. "Horizontal narcolepsy," is what my brother-in-law has named it. As soon as I am in a full horizontal position, I. Am. Out. That is, unless I have something on my mind.... not just something though, it takes more than just tomorrow's "to-do" list (I am not a mom yet, remember? my to-do list can change with the wind if I so desire... for the most part) or "did I remember to lock the door," to keep me from slumbering. You know, something like a boy, or in this case, WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE COME THIS SEPTEMBER.

This is a BIG decision... and I'm not particularly stressed about the actual decision itself, it's just my mind WILL NOT shut off when thinking about the endless possibilities. And it is SO annoying. I am trying not to rush into this decision as to carefully AND prayerfully start turning the page in this next chapter. But a few more nights of tossing and turning, may turn ugly for me. And nobody wants that. Trust me. A good friend of mine use to always say "CHALT" when making a decision.... And by that she meant never make a decision when you are Crazy (aka pms'ing and emotional), Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I think she stole that acronym from AA and added her own twist to it... I think it's supposed to be HALT when making decisions. The C is sooooo crucial. I like her version better. But I digress.... point is, if I don't start sleeping again, I'm going to be TIRED, CRANKY and ANGRY... probably lonely too because people generally don't like to be around people who are tired, cranky and angry.

All that being said, I am excited about what's up next! Even though I am not sure what that is going to entail. It could be anything from moving to Texas (I'm not buying my boots quite yet), to going back to school and starting a new career... there's a lot of middle ground there and it's a bit daunting at times. When I think about making the decision to "at least go interview" (with some prodding from Dad) for an asst coaching position at the Naval Academy and how taking that job altered my life's course, and the way it is STILL effecting it now, I am amazed. Saying yes to an interview seemed like such a miniscule decision at the time. But it wasn't. It was life changing. For so many different reasons. And all because I went to an interview for a job that I really didn't think I wanted. This post could easily morph into a "freedom of choice" vs "predestined" debate, but that would require way more time and brain cells than I can expend right now. So I'll save that for another day (maybe). If you're reading this post and are the praying type, I would not be opposed to you asking God to give me clarity, patience, diligence (there is lots to be done) and guidance, as I walk through this process. Oh and some SLEEP would be fab! Thanks everyone!

"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever."

--Keri Russell

Inauguration Day

I am watching the inauguration as I type. There are so many people there and you can see the excitement!! Megan texted me with a poignant thought... People are worshiping him. Instead of chanting U-S-A! U-S-A!! It's, O-BAM-A!! O-BAM-A!!! It worries me only because I know what happens when you put your faith and trust in any man.... disappointment.

I know this is an exciting moment in our country's history. I pray that we remember it is God who has allowed our country to get to this point and prosper, and God will continue to be the one who holds the fate of our great nation in His hands. One man, elected as president can not be our savior... we already have one of those, his name is Jesus. My hope and prayer is that President Obama leads with humility, integrity and courage as the task he has before him will not be easy... there are a lot of people with HIGH expectations from this man. I pray that we as a people will remember just that, he is a MAN, not a god. Let's put our faith in God and prayerfully support the man we have elected into this position.

Proverbs 21:1 - "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases."

God bless you President Obama, you will be in my prayers!!!

Lend your ear.... it's worth it

For those of you that don't know, I go to a church that is racially diverse to say the least. One of the priorities in my church is reconciliation. My pastor (Brett Fuller) decided that after the election, the results had the possibility of dividing the people in our church so he took the issue head on, although it may be a little uncomfortable. It was a much needed sermon and amazing how he hit both sides from a Biblical perspective. I could write a lot more about this but Pastor Fuller does a much better job talking about it so just click here and listen! LISTEN TO THE WHOLE THING!!!!!!!!!!

The Real Blessing

I had a conversation with a friend of mine today. She gets Joel Osteen's daily emails and I guess todays was about speaking over your situations, kind of a daily affirmation type thing. I don't know why but I cringe a little when I hear pastors talk about speaking the things God has for you into existance. I understand that people see verses like this "And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, 'I believed and therefore I spoke,' we also believe and therefore speak" 2 Corinthians 4:13, and then want to start speaking their finances or fiancees into existance. But my question is then, 'how do we know what exactly it is that God has for us?' Unfortunately I do not have a crystal ball that lays out my future and tells me when I will meet Mr. Right or when I will be able to pay off my mortgage... or if I ever will for that matter.

The problem that I see with this whole idea (again I don't see a problem in believe in God and trusting that He is going to bring us to what He has for us) is that some people act upon this thought and then if something doesn't happen, i.e. they don't get the job they were speaking on, or they go bankrupt when they were trusting and affirming that God would deliver them, they think one of many things. 1. God is not trustworthy, 2. They must have done something wrong and our not walking with God or 3. God is not a loving god b/c if he was he would've come through and brought them whatever it was they were affirming. Which in most cases, probably isn't the truth. God is trustworthy. And just because you don't get something you "believed" God wanted you to have doesn't mean you are not walking with God. And God is a loving god, moer than we will ever understand. Which is probably why you didn't get what you were praying about.

The way I see it, God really isn't all that concerned with how comfortable or rich we are. He wants intimacy with us. So if it takes us living pay check to pay check or in a season of lonely, singlehood to get us into an intimate relationship with Him, that's what He's going to give us. And of course that's not saying that we all need to be single and in poverty to really be intimate with Jesus. That's a bit extreme to say the least... But sometimes I feel like we get it backwards in wanting "OUR BLESSING" more than we want Him and that's when we miss out.

Do I think we need to believe that God is working for the good of those who love Him? Yes, without a doubt. But do I necessarily believe that I can speak my own desires and self proclaimed needs into existence without asking God to reveal to me what are HIS desires for my life? Nope, I'm not convinced. My God is a big god and can do anything. And there is nothing wrong with believing in Him for deliverance, blessings, etc. BUT just don't let yourself be convinced that God does or doesn't love you because you have or haven't been delivered. You never know... God may just be pursuing you, in fact, I'm sure He is. Your intimacy with Him is far more important to Him than your comfort here on earth will ever be. Ginny Owens song "If You Want Me To" just came to mind. Her lyrics are so powerful.... This is how I want to desire Jesus.

If You Want Me To
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why
You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way
I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that
Your love put You through
And I walk through the darkness If You want me to cause
When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to Yes, I
will walk through the valley if you want me to

A Cloud of Grey Muck

I think it's a valid statement to say that most people have at some point in their life have felt a void or had some sort of empty feeling. God made us with those voids so we would need Him to complete us and ultimately seek him for wholeness. But too often that's not the route we take because God doesn't always fill us in a tangible way. And we in our human nature often want to tangibly FEEL the things in which we believe. We don't always feel whole, although through Him we are. So I've been thinking about this for the past couple days b/c I seem to have a few friends and aquaintances in situations that I have labeled the Grey Area in dating. Grey area dating normally starts off as a fun, seemingly harmless distraction in the form of a relationship, from whatever it is that's causing angst, heartache, emptiness or hurt in your life. I think a good number of us have probably done this before but not even realized it until it's too late. Grey area dating starts off as a crutch or diversion from whatever it is that's crippling your soul or just making you feel like you're missing something or someone in your everyday life. The relationship, if you can call it that, is not predicated on love, honor and respect but more often as a means to make life a little more fun and a lot less lonely. It's a quick fix for loneliness, if you will.

Come on, you've been there before... when a good book and some ColdStone on a Thursday night just won't cut it anymore. Before you know it the guy or girl that you considered as strictly friend material is all of the sudden seen in a different light.... "maybe his arrogence isn't THAT bad, at least he's confident (what?!)," or "her materialistic approach to life could possibly be outweighed by her looks if you squint really hard" (yes guys get involved with Grey Area Dating too) because for a brief moment in time (or lapse in sanity) the thought of companionship, even if it isn't God's best for us, sounds better than eating another pint of icecream and watching a rerun of Grey's Anatomy alone or another night of poker with the guys. So it begins. The downward spiral of Grey Area Dating. It becomes this breeding ground for emotional instability because you and the other G.A.D. (Grey Area Dater) using each other to fill a need that was never meant to be filled by either party. At first everything is great, the interruption of your icecream and quality time with Meredith Grey and her coworkers is welcomed and always enjoyed. It's new, it's exciting and often times feels like you're making progress to filling this void that has reared it's ugly head again. Your problems have all magically vanished and life is good. Then the next thing you know, lines are crossed, feelings deveop but neither one knows if what they're feeling is out of selfish motives or genuwine care for the other person. I guess at times it's possible to be both. But never the less, the ride has begun.

The problem with Grey Area Dating is most of the time there is no "defining the relationship" talk and the feelings go back and forth from elation, depression to down right confusion. But nothing is every said for fear that actual communication might scare the other one off and the bandaid each of you has become to the other will be ripped away with out a single word or warning. So all of the wounds and hurts that you were trying to bandage up with this pseudo-relationship all of the sudden are no longer covered but exposed. Great. The overarching theory behind your masterminded plan to forget about your issues has now just opened them to the elements. I guess that's the problem with Grey Area Dating. It doesn't really get to the root of the problem, it's just a way to distract you from what's really lying beneath it all. It's like hitting your thumb with a hammer in order to stop thinking about a broken ankle. Works for a brief moment but in the end, the pain is still there and needs time to heal and be strengthened.

All in all I guess we get involved in the mucky waters of Grey Area Dating because we're doing what we were made to do... seeking for something more. That emptiness that we feel is there to lead us to Christ and allow Him to give us our identity. Afterall He is the one who created us and knows who He has made us to be. I for one, wish that my faith wasn't so precarious and I would remember that in times that I felt a little lonely and sick of icecream! But I guess we can learn from the different paths we take in life and I'm thankful for that. I think God must watch us sometimes and either laugh or cry. We are quite amusing with our ideas of "fixing" our problems on our own!!

A matter of perspective

A friend of mine sent me one of those fwds that we all love getting. You know the one that has you fill in answers for the one who sent it to you?! So I obliged and filled it out, then proceeded to continue the madness and FWD it to the few people who might just feel compelled to respond. I did end up getting two responses, fairly quickly to my surprise. As I read the first person's response I felt like she was right on with most of her answers and was content with the fact that she knows me. Then the second response popped up in my mailbox. I opened it, read it and again was satisfied with her answers along with a few chuckles as some of this friend's responses were quite witty.

What I found interesting was that if the two sets of answers were to be compared, one might not realize they were about the same person. At first I thought to myself, "well that can't be good. Am I not the same person all the time? Do I change what I portray to people depending upon who I am around?" As I contemplated those thoughts for a few minutes I realized something. It's not that I'm a different person around the different people that I hang out with but they form their own opinions based on their life experiences and the situations in which they see me. It's all about perspective. If you asked someone who has been in and out of jail if I was a rule follower, they would most likely answer with a resounding yes. But if you asked the same question to a Christian with legalistic tendencies, they may be more apt to saying yes, that girl is a rule breaker! :) You get my point? Well, it doesn't matter if you do because I feel better about it and that's what started this whole post anyways. But it is something to ponder and remember... be who you are and let people make their own assumptions. Some will be wrong and some will be dead on, but misconceptions are a part of life... and possibly reality all at the same time!

Dear Younger Self

So if you are a regular reader of my blog you will remember the post from a week or so ago about me thinking that writing a letter to my younger self was a pretty cool idea. Well, I get a little wordy when it comes to reflective stuff like this so here is my letter.... but it's most likely just the first draft. I wanted to put it up there so you guys didn't think I was lying when I said I was going to do it. I actually enjoyed doing this and I think any of you who read my blog and decided you wanted to try, would agree that it's kind of fun to do. It would also be cool to think about writing a letter to your older self and then look back at it in 10 years from now... but for now, here's my Letter to My Younger Self:

Dear Younger Self,

There’s something to be said about the mystery of the unknown and how it drives each one of us. It affects us each in a different way, but it drives you to trust that God is in control and working behind the scenes for His and your good. Your life won’t be much of what you thought it would be in your late 20’s, but you’ll be surprisingly thankful that things didn’t go the way you had planned. And when that happens, as it so often will, it will be what turns your gaze above and makes you realize that life isn’t all about you. You’re a pawn in God’s plan and you’ll feel blessed when you recognize that He chooses to use you in order to help and love people that come in and out of your life. This too, will happen a lot. People will come and people will go. Some will stay shorter than you hope and some will stay longer than you desire. But regardless, they are there for a reason. Sometimes to help you grow and sometimes to help them.

Basketball will not be your identity forever. It will open many doors for you, take you various places and bring countless amazing people into your life, but it is just something you do, not who you are. When you figure that out, it will free you from a lot of pressure, give you the freedom to compete and enjoy it for what it is… a sport, not an identity. Allow it to be something God uses you with to reach others and love them the way He calls you to. Take advantage of being in a college environment and explore different things that interest you, not just things in which you know you excel. Waking up at noon can be wonderful and needed every once in a while but don’t sleep your life away. Get up and do something worth while; go have breakfast with someone you enjoy, work out, have a quiet time, read a book, surprise someone, and help someone out who needs a hand.

Travel as much as you can and spend time with your family… They may get on your nerves sometimes but they love you and will encourage and support you through everything that comes your way. And they are a lot more fun than you know right now. There will come a time when you believe your parents to be some of the funniest people you know (yes, I’m serious). Keep a journal. It will help you remember things that happen in your life and possibly keep you from repeating the same mistakes over and over. Plus it’s fun to look back on and see how you’ve grown and or changed. You’ll have a heart for the underdog, almost to a fault. You are NOT superwoman and cannot save everyone. Some people don’t want to be saved from themselves or the situation they’re in. Be aware of that and let go if God tells you to. After all, He created them and He knows what they need more than you do.

You will have your heart broken at some point. Most likely more than once. And you’ll do your own breaking of hearts in the process. Allow yourself to feel the pain, heartache and brokenness. You will eventually love again but will be healthier if you give yourself the time to heal. And surprisingly, the cliché “Time heals all wounds,” is unquestionably true for most matters of the heart. But that’s assuming you are putting the heartache and disappointment in God’s hands instead of ignoring it and filling that hurt with other things (hint, you will undoubtedly do this…so let yourself feel AND heal!) Learn from your mistakes and don’t be afraid to say something you feel even if you think the person may not take it well. You are not responsible for their reaction to what you say. In the midst of the waiting for Mr. Right there will be days that you wonder if your standards are too high. They are not. Do not settle or compromise for anything less than what God has placed in your heart. He will come through, He always does. This man will be worth waiting for. So have faith and be patient. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache.

When you sit down and think about what to write to your younger self, you will look back on the past 10 years and panic for a split second. You’ll think to yourself that you made too many mistakes, wasted too much time and weren’t productive enough. Not true. Yes you will have made your fair share of mistakes. So what? Learn from them. Stop being so hard on yourself. Have you heard the saying “Life’s a journey, not a destination?” That’s another line that has become famous because of its validity. Being the impatient person that I know you (still haven’t grown out of that) are, I’m going to tell you to stop being in such a hurry to get through life. It’s not going anywhere. Be a good steward of the things God gives you and enjoy every bit of the blessings He provides. The people, the special moments, the seasons of life that you walk through… Enjoy the journey. When life gets hard and seems like too much to handle, remember what your Father said, “In this world there will be trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world!” So take pleasure in the good times and allow yourself to grow in the hard times. Most of all, learn how to be thankful in every circumstance, it will change your outlook on life and your way of living. Your life is not your own. You were bought at a costly price. So live your life yielded and as a sacrifice to the One who gave His Son so that you could live.

I’ve enjoyed writing to you, Younger Self. It has given me a chance to look back, reflect on my life and do some self-evaluation. But maybe this letter serves more as a reminder to my 29 year old self that life is almost never what you expect it to be and it stops for no one. There will be joy and pain but none of it has to be in vain. Ultimately, you are part of a Greater plan. And that plan is worth living and dying for… Live the rest of your life here on Earth so that you can hear “Well done,” and smile when it’s over.

Enjoy the journey,

Your 29 Year Old Self

A letter to my younger self...

My friend Katie blogged about this contest "A letter to my younger self," and although the contest has since past I thought it was a really cool idea and have decided I am going to write one. Obviously, being the analytical self that I am, this could take a while... but I'm going to tag a few people to join me in this venture and ask you to write to your younger self then post it!

Carrie, Meggo, Julie/Monte, Dave, Adam/Char, and anyone else who doesn't have a blog or I don't know but wants participate because they, like me, think it's a pretty rad idea...consider yourself tagged!

I'll try and post mine by next week sometime.

A little more explanation for what this post is about... you won't actually submit your letter to your younger self to anyone. Just think of it as a thought provoking and introspective exercise by taking some time to think about your life and what you would tell your younger self (10 years ago) if you could. Here's an example of the letter my friend Katie wrote. Hope she doesn't mind!!

Dear Younger Self,

You won’t have what you thought you'd have by your late-20s. But you’ll be happy. You’ll have a 350-square foot apartment. A MetroCard. A job as an executive assistant surrounded by amazing women. You’ll have great friends, New York, phone calls from mom, Vodka sodas, Lox cream cheese and bagels.

You’ll realize something new about yourself often. You won't seek to constantly reinvent yourself, yet you might not ever really know everything about you because different parts of you will change – sometimes frequently. This should probably bother you, but it won’t.
You’ll wish you were wittier, and you’ll be a sucker for a sense of humor. You won’t fall in love easily, you won’t get attached easily, and you’ll have to be both of those things if you’re going to get jealous easily; you’ll be able to thank a military-brat upbringing for that. You will be nominated for the "Most Friendly" Senior Superlative at your second high school, and you’ll be a nice New Yorker 10 years later. But you’ll have a dark side, and you generally won’t trust those who don't. You’ll like to step back and absorb certain moments so that you can remember the details; you’ll do that most often when your friends are laughing.

You’ll crave cliché “Sex and the City” moments because it’s how you once pictured your life – minus, of course, the Manolo Blahniks, Upper East Side brownstones, and voluminous consumption of Magnolia Bakery cupcakes without gaining a pound. Your narrative thoughts and meaningful conversations won’t be set to background music, but you’ll have the fantasy in syndication and the real thing right outside your window. You won’t worry that your life is becoming a cliché because there'll be a reason that you are not the first to live life the way you’ll choose to live it. And you’ll want to be Melanie Griffith at the end of Working Girl when she calls her best friend and says, "Guess where I am right now."

Good and bad things will happen. So embrace varying levels of disappointment so that you’ll recognize rapturous joy. Floss your teeth regularly. Take chances. Don't settle for what’s easy; seek what’s worth it. Take random walks in this city. Look for sights you can't believe, listen for sounds that tug at your heart strings, savor the feelings that take your breath away. Eat more fruits and vegetables; drink more water. Allow yourself to be swept off your feet regularly. Save money and spend wisely. Live like Anthony Hopkins' in Meet Joe Black so that you can wake up one morning and say, "I don't want anything more."

When you write this letter, you still won’t know who you are exactly, but you’ll realize it and be ok with it. And you’ll see that the only thing that matters for any of us in the end is that we once existed. So laugh more, love more, live more. Because you can.

Love Always,
Your 28-Year Old Self

Goin' to tha Chapel....

As most of you know, Amy (oldest sister), got married this weekend!! It was such a special time not only because we got to see God's faithfulness to two of His children by bringing them together, but also because our whole family was there. It's not everyday that you can get us all together in the same place and time. It was a special time for us as a family and especially Amy.

Since graduating from college, moving to Maryland and moving back to Northern VA, Amy and I have grown closer than I ever imagined we would. Obviously, I have always loved her and wanted the best for her as her sister. But as we've grown closer and developed a friendship, it has allowed us to share in joys and sorrows in a way that goes so much deeper than just friendship or just sisterhood. She's not just my sister and not just my friend, she's both! Sometimes we would sit and talk about life and boys and families, and it didn't seem fair that God had not yet brought Amy to her husband. There was definitely a lot of trial and error (dates with different guys). But these trial and errors have produced some HILARIOUS stories that could make you laugh so hard you'd cry (SCORE!!!). Like all things in life, with the laughs, came the tears. My heart would ache for her sometimes and I wondered why God was letting it take so long for this desire of hers to be filled... It all seemed so unfair. Here was a girl who had laid down her life to serve God (have I mentioned that Amy is about as loyal a person as I've met), to further His Kingdom, and He wouldn't fulfill just this one little desire. Sometimes I just wanted to throw one of those 2-year-old-tantrums to God pleading her case for her... because she sure as heck wouldn't do it. I mean hello, here's this beautiful Godly woman.... God must have just missed her on accident? Okay, not likely. But I can't say that I never wondered what in the world God was waiting for! But Amy allowed her unfulfilled desire to be the thorn in her side that would undoubtedly lead her back to Christ as the devil tried to convince her that God had forgotten her. She prayed for a man that would love and serve Christ with her and for many other characteristics that Christ has honored, not because she's been so faithful but because HE is so faithful and loves His children. I'm still not sure what took so long, but I know that David and Amy were made for each other! I think she'd tell you a million times over, David was worth waiting for! She's been glowing since they began dating. Love looks good on her (and David too)!!

I'm so thankful that Amy and I have grown so close and I've been able to walk through some of this part of life with her. It has been such a tangible reminder to me that God is working behind the scenes even though it may not always seem like it. And that we are called to trust and delight ourselves in Him, then He will take care of the rest! Congrats to Amy and David!

Here are some pictures of God's faithfulness this weekend! ENJOY

The happy couple


Getting to see loved ones and new additions b/c of the wedding!


Siblings all together

Swanson girls and their dapper men!


The whole clan :)


Some lovin' at the Rehearsal



The NEWLYWEDS!!!! Great is Thy faithfulness!!!

Fantastic Fridays.... a doosie of a week is finally over

It's been one of those weeks that I'm just thanking God it's Friday. You know the type of week that you find out your A/C is going to take a couple thousand dollars to actually fix and not just bandage up the problem, or you know, the type of week when you're trying to get to an appointment to pick up your bridesmaid dress before the shop closes (which of course you had to get something done at work so you're already running late) and your car won't start because the battery is dead. Only to find out that your NEW (to you) car's battery is the very same one that was installed when making the car... which means you need a completely new battery. Drat. As if that's not enough, an old romance of yours and you decide it's too hard to be friends....again, and you're back on the roller coaster of remembering what it feels like to lose someone special to you... all over again, even if it is just as a friend. Or even better, the type of week that you find out on Friday that one of your favorite artists is playing in your city, but you didn't realize it was THIS Friday, so you will undoubtedly not be in attendance unless you can figure out a way to get a ticket, get home after work, change, get back out to DC and figure out a way to conjure up some energy so to actually enjoy the concert and not sit there like a zombie. Yes, one of those kind of weeks.
Needless to say, it's been a rough week... BUT, Mom and Meggo are making their way up here from SC in the hot box (Durango with no a/c) and will be here all week! And that is pretty Fantastic in my book, especially after the week I've had. I'm looking fwd to hanging out with both of them, doing the bridal shower thing with Amy and maybe hitting the pool and relaxing while catching some rays.
Now I have to get back to work (lunch break in my cube, how dreadfully exciting) and call the help line for AKO because I can't seem to log on and take my No Fear Training class online. Oh joy. The week just keeps getting better. Someone get me out of here. Thank goodness it's Fantastic Friday.... lol.

I just realized something... today is Friday, the 13th. Now this is all making sense. ;)

A balanced life...for now. (and pics)

There are seasons in our lives when it seems like whatever it is we're involved in, whether it's a job, commitment, or the everyday chores of living life and getting by seem to swarm around us and suffocate any type of freedom we may have once had. I remember being in high school and even college for that matter and people saying "don't be in such a rush to grow up." I thought they were crazy. I couldn't wait to be on my own, doing my own thing. My question is, why didn't they hold up caution signs and wear bandages around all the scars that they've accumulated throughout this journey called "being on my own." Then maybe I would've heard what they said and slowed down to savor the "I have no real responsibility" journey. I would've seen that driving an hour to work and home after a 10 hour work day is really not what most people would call fun. Most sane people anyways. Or those silly things called bills that seem to never stop coming no matter what, aren't really that cool. Kind of annoying actually. It's like they never die. Persistent little creatures that seem to grow every year.

In saying all that, I have realized that although some of this "on my own" thing is more work and less play, some how I have found a sort of balance... for now. The Lord has blessed me with a fairly secure job (keeps the bills satisfied) that at times can actually be fun and allows for me to travel and visit, as well as meet a lot of people. It also allows for me to take vacations, for the most part, when I feel the urge. And just this week I was offered the Head Coaching position at a Episcopal High School. Needless to say, there will be less balance when I start that in November on top of my job with the Army. But it will be fun working with the girls and I think it will be fulfilling.

Speaking of living a balanced, grown up life, I figured I'd post some pictures from my different escapades over the past month. I was in FL (for work), NC (for fun) and Cali (for work). This being "on my own" thing isn't really that bad once you get the hang of it and figure out how to enjoy the ride. Sometimes you gotta roll with the punches but for now the blows have been minimal and I have to say the last month has been refreshing. I definately have tons to be thankful for. The Lord has kept me in His care and provided me with more than I deserve. He's an awesome God and I'm thankful for this season of my life, even if it's not quite what I expected. So here are a few pics from my trips.

Jamar and I on Country Western Night in the Outer Banks

Being silly

Majestic... Point Magu, CA

The sunset was amazing....

see what I mean?!

ps- I love my camera... look what
cool things you can do with it

Shoreline in Malibu

Off the Pacific Coast Hwy in Cali

Did I tell you I met the Bachelor?! :)
Just another day in the office!! lol.

We are His BELOVED

Watch the whole thing!!!! It's really powerful :)

Armed Forces Championship

I'm at the Men's Basketball Armed Forces Championship in Cherry Point, NC this week. For the ice breaker they had a guy come and perform a writing that he had put together... As I sat there and listened to this man chills ran over my body... I was thinking to myself, "this guy is good, he should perform at a coffee house or something. Well, look what I found today. He's on youtube and has been on Good Morning America and everything for this poem. Do I know talent or what!? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BETZxl_itYg (by the way, if anyone knows how to put the video embeded in this blog let me know). I hope you all enjoy and realize that we should be thankful for the freedoms we have in this country! :)

Here are the words if you have a hard time understanding it all:
She called... Blacks, Whites...wait African Americans and Caucasians, Asians, excuse me. Vietnamese, Philipenes, Koreans and Jamaicans or Haitans, waitin' Hispanics y'all. Please be paitent Mexican, Puerto Ricans, Venezualean, Cuban, Dominican, Panamanian Democrats I beg your pardon, you partied with the late, great Reagan? Republican, Independent, Christian, Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, 7th Day Adventist, 5 Percenters, Hindu, Sunii Muslim, Brothers and Sisters who never seen the New York city skyline when the twin towers still existed. But still She called. From the bowels of Ground Zero she sent this 911 distress signal. Because She was in desperate need of a hero, and didn't have time to decipher what to call 'em, so she called 'em all Her children. The children of the stars and bars who needed to know nothing more than the fact that she called. The fact that someone attempted to harm us this daughter who covered us all with her loving arms. And now these arms are sprawled across New York City streets. A smoke filled lung, a silt covered faced, and a solitary tear poured out of her cheek. Her singed garments carpets Pennsylvania Avenue and the Pentagon was under her feet. As she began to talk, she began to cough up small particles of debris and said, "I am America, and I'm calling on the land of the free." So they answered. All personal differences set to the side because right now there was no time to decide which state building the Confederate flag should fly over, and which trimester the embryo is considered alive, or on our monetary units, and which God we should confide. You see, someone attempted to choke the voice of the one who gave us the right for choice, and now she was callin. And somebody had to answer. Who was going to answer? So they did. Stern faces and chisled chins. Devoted women and disciplined men, who rose from the ashes like a pheonix and said "don't worry, we'll stand in your defense." They tightened up their bootlaces and said goodbye to loved ones, family and friends. They tried to bombard them with the "hold on", "wait-a-minute's", and "what-if's". And "Daddy, where you goin?". And, "Mommy, why you leavin?". And they merely kissed them on their foreheads and said "Don't worry, I have my reasons. You see, to this country I pledged my allegience to defend it against all enemies foreign and domestic. So as long as I'm breathin, I'll run though hell-fire, meet the enemy on the front lines, look him directly in his face, stare directly in his eyes and scream, "I AM AMERICA! WE WILL NOT BE TERRORIZED! WE WILL NOT BE TERRORIZED! I REFUSE TO BE AFRAID! I'LL FIGHT YOU ANY COUNTRY, ANY CONTINENT, ANY TERRAIN. I'LL FIGHT TO MY LAST BREATH!" And if by chance death is my fate, pin my medals upon my chest, and throw Old Glory on my grave. But, don't y'all cry for me. You see, my Father's prepared a place. I'll be a part of his Holy army standing a watch at the Pearly Gates. Because freedom was never free. POW's, and fallen soldiers all paid the ultimate sacrafice along side veterans who put themselves in harms way. Risking their lives and limbs just to hold up democracy's weight, but still standing on them broken appendages anytime the National Anthem was played. You see, these were the brave warriors that gave me the right to say that I'm Black. Or white. Or African American or Caucasian, I'm Asian, excuse me. I'm Vietnamese, Philipene, Korean, or Jamaican. I'm Haitan, Hispanic Y'all, Please be paitent. I'm Mexican, Puerto Rican, Venezualean, Cuban, Dominican, Panamanian, Democrat I beg your pardon, you see I partied with the late, great Reagan. I'm Republican, Independent, Christian, Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, 7th Day Adventist, 5 Percenters, Hindu, Sunii Muslim, Brothers and Sisters We're just Americans. So with that I say "Thank You" to the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, for preserving my rights to live and die for this life and paying the ultimate price for me to be...FREE!

Deep Thoughts...

"For so long i chased fantasy he was too fast.... and i found love when i embraced reality."

(the original quote says "she" instead of "he" but I changed it for sake of my blog. And I don't know who wrote it, so don't ask... )
This quote or poem really hit me when I read it b/c it's so true not only of our culture today but of myself as well. I think in some way or another single people (and a lot of couples as well) have an "idea" of what love is supposed to look, feel and be like. Whether those ideas came from movies, tv shows or idolizing some couple you once saw that "looked" so happy, they are there and there's no denying them. We have expectations of love and if we don't realize that our love checklist might not be realistic we may chase this fantasy called love the rest of our lives. Obviously there are some must-haves that you should hold firm to. But maybe he won't have "a body like Arnold, with a Denzel face," those of you who know Salt 'n' Peppa from the 90's should appreciate that last line! lol. or maybe he isn't a handy man or maybe she can't cook... but she tries and that's what love is about. Love is embedded in reality, which is never perfect, but if guided through God's love, a million times better than all of our expectations... or fantasies. Not one of us will ever be able to love someone enough to make them whole or make them complete. We were made for more, more than any human relationship could ever give us but our worldly imposed expectations are what lead us to chasing these fantasies. Not until we "ebrace reality" will we find love and realize the depths of it's character and the power that comes from it's commitment. ps- I haven't blogged in forever, I know... Been busy, tired and just not motivated. Write about it all later! :)

NY cont'd... Is it the person or location?

Okay so you've all been anxiously awaiting to hear about my trip to NY. Just calm down! This girl is busy and I can't really expect the government to pay me to blog so I have to do it in my spare time, what is that, when I'm not working. I'm going to blog a few different times about my trip being that we packed so many different things into a little over 48 hours....

The trip started off at Dupont Circle where I waited to catch the bus up to the City that NEVER sleeps! I was way excited to get away for the weekend and to see Carrie and Carrie (McKee and Nygard) as well as an old college aquaintance (now friend), Katie. Yes, you just read that correctly. It was Katie, Carrie, Carrie and Katie. But let me tell my first adventure before I even stepped foot on the bus to head north. I was handing my ticket to the trip coordinator in order to get on the bus and all of the sudden I was doing a 360 and almost fell over. I look up to see what gust of wind could've been so strong to spin "Joe" (my backpack received a name b/c it was so heavy it was almost like carrying someone on my back) and me completely around and stumbling back a few steps before being able to catch my balance. But I see no hurricane, tropical storm, tornado or even a slight breeze. But what I do see is some woman storming off shaking her head. I can only imagine what was going through this 5'5'' woman's mind as she pushed me, and Joe, out of her way. What would give such a small woman (I'm using the term woman loosely by the way) the idea that she was justified? I'm gonna have to go with the fact that I must have looked like her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend that he just went back to b/c of her anger issues. That's the only thing I could come up with. It's either that or she was apparently having a really bad day and the two steps it would've taken her to walk around Joe and I just caused her way to much effort. The thing is, I DIDN'T EVEN SEE HER COMING.... I didn't even get a chance to get out of her way. There was no "excuse me miss" or "can I get by" or heck, even a "move!" would've been better than being made a tackling dummy. After I realized what had happened AND that she wasn't sorry, I thought to myself "I thought New Yorkers were supposed to be the rude ones. If it gets worse than that, I think I may just take the Metro back to Vienna."

Thankfully, it didn't get any worse. In fact, it got better. Being the tourists that we were, it was quite an adventure to get uptown, to downtown over to the Eastside and Westside. But the Carries were very good for the most part in figuring out what train we needed to take and how to get around... and when all else failed, we'd ask somebody. To our surprise, New Yorkers are very nice. The seem to be very proud to be from NY and were more than willing to help you take delight in their amazing city. I suppose that everyone in NY isn't like that, but as far as I'm concerned New Yorkers are A-OK in my book. Even a couple drag queens helped me find my way back to the Upper Westside after a long day of walking around in Chinatown. I got the full New York experience! I wonder if people were nice to us b/c we always had our map out and it was painfully obvious we were trying to make our way in this big city of theirs!! Either way, I don't care. They were helpful and nice and not once did I feel nervous when we weren't sure of our direction. Thank you New York, we enjoyed you and your residents!

More to come.... :)

Food for my soul

I have a friend. And I think everyone needs a friend like this friend in their life. Her name is Carrie and she is literally feeds my soul...through laughter, wisdom, Godliness, and love. It's been one of those weeks for me. You know, one of those weeks that you feel like your world is turning upside down and this can't possibly be MY life? Yeah, one of those weeks. But God is so good to me. He planned it perfectly. You see, Carrie lives out in Colorado. But not this week!!! God brought a little piece of Himslef to me through Carrie. I don't know how she does it but she somehow can put all of my of thoughts that I can never really put into complete sentences and help bring clarity and direction to them. If you only knew how hard of a task that is, you would be impressed. She is so wise and I admire and love the way she encourages me to continue to seek God and who He has made me to be through every situation in life. It's amazing how she can see God's story in everything. Well, I'm super tired b/c it's late so maybe I'll write more about how much everyone needs a Carrie in their life but for now I'm off to bed and am thanking God for His gift to me today! :) Hebrews 3:13-15!

Good bye Bywater, Hello BY WATER! :)

Well, it finally happened. Mom and Dad closed on their 3304 Bywater Ct residence. Quite an impressive feat if you understood what this means. They successfully removed every little "keep sake" that they have saved "in case we wanted to show OUR children's children" from the house. And then not only did they get everything out in preparation for that dreaded closing day, but they managed to make a 23 year old, well lived in home, back into an empty house with only a few reminders that the Scotts were once here (Cinder's claw marks on the front hall closet, mom's scripture in the kitchen, and of course, the bball hoop in the yard). We had to convince mom that it was okay to throw away the spice that she bought back in May of 1978 (that is not an exaggeration) for a recipe she wanted to try. Can you see why Dad's idea of putting a bomb in it and lighting a match looked very attractive at times? I'm pretty sure spices go bad with in a couple decades. But maybe I'm wrong. I've never claimed to be kitchen savvy. Granted her food is always off the chain (mom that's EBONICS for really good or wonderful), so maybe we could all learn something from her 30 year old spices!

Mom and Dad worked really hard to get everything done this past week. I would go over there periodically and help do whatever I could but in all honesty, every time I went over there I felt like Mom was Mary Poppins and their home was like her purse. More things came out of that structure than should be possible. I went over after the movers had come and gone and I swear I about fell over when I saw all of the stuff that was left in the house. I was like, "Are they coming back to get the rest tomorrow?" But somehow, we got it all out, cleaned and ready for inspection. Good thing for Dad, they taught him how to clean a bathroom at the Naval Academy b/c he was down on all fours with a toothbrush in hand ready to tackle the mildew anywhere in site! Poor mildew, it never stood a chance!

After the walk through it was time to sign the papers. This is the stuff Dad loves. He gets to show the world how organized he is and how together he has everything! If you know Dad (which all of you do) he has binders for his binders of organized stuff so this should be a simple deal right? Just go in, sign the papers and write a check for closing. Well I was wishing them luck as they realized that the closing was actually 30 mins earlier than they thought and oh yeah, Dad can't find his CHECKBOOK! WHAT?! My dad can't find his checkbook 30 mins before closing time???? "Who are you? And what have you done with my father!?" This is the part where I get to come in and be the hero. I actually knew exactly where his check book was b/c I had helped move all the computer and bill stuff to the Allen's house and I remembered seeing it when I was taking it out to the car! yay! The day is rescued and they rush off to their closing! IT IS FINISHED!

It was really weird to see our home so empty. That home has brought so many people together for so many years, which is I'm sure what it will continue to do with the next owners. But I guess that's why it was so weird b/c it's not our home anymore, it's someone else's. They seem like nice people and their son actually goes to Oakton, plays lacrosse, wrestles and is in the chorus. Not bad for one kid. But then again, he's only one kid. They probably won't have quite as many sleep overs, team dinners, baby showers (pretty positive about that one), Christmas parties (do you think anyone will just show up this year?), or game nights as we did but it will be home to them and I think they will love it just like we did. I don't think it's as much the actual house that we loved but the support, love, laughter and growth that we received from within it that makes us so fond of 3304 Bywater Ct. So see, you thought this was going to be sad... but my point is that we can make this new house into a home in a matter of minutes b/c it's not about the actual physical structure but it's about what's inside. And who knows, we may have a few more laughs and a little more love b/c Dad doesn't have to sit in Northern VA traffic anymore (Hallelujah!)!!! :) I will post some pics from the day as soon as I get them from Mom and Dad (maybe next Christmas). So for all of you who have called to see how closing went, there you have it. It went well.